A Father’s Regrets

               Of all the pages that I have written for this website, this is certainly one of the most difficult ones.  However, it is one that simply cannot be omitted.  Just as I ask young people to learn from Robert’s mistakes, I also ask parents to learn from mine. 

I have tried to make it clear throughout the theme of the website that it was not designed for pity or praise.  Pity or praise will not bring my son back.  Nothing will.

            Robert’s death caused me to look deep within myself, examining my own beliefs of invincibility, and that bad things only happen to “other people.”  Those false beliefs are not limited to the days of our youth.  Many of us carry those beliefs well into our adult years.

            A parent’s natural reaction to the loss of a son or daughter is “was there anything I could have done that would have prevented what happened?”  Yes, Robert was almost 21 years old and far beyond the stage where a parent makes the choices for their children.  The real question was what could I have done differently in raising Robert that might have prevented him from making the decisions that he did?  Regretfully, I now realize that there are several things that I could have done differently.

            I am not setting myself up to be a martyr.  I can’t go back and live the early years of my life over again.  My God has told me not to beat myself up over the past, but to learn from my mistakes and share my testimony with others, so they might learn from those mistakes.

            Robert’s mother and I, who divorced in 1995, thought we were doing everything right in raising him and his brother, Doug.  We tried to teach them right from wrong, had them actively involved in church, tried to instill character in them and constantly let them know they were loved.  But we made some mistakes along the way.  A large portion of those mistakes fall upon my shoulders. 

            I grew up in a home where alcohol was an everyday part of life.  My stepfather was a hard working, blue collar worker.  When he came home the first thing he did was have a few beers to “unwind.”  I now realize that sent the message to me that the way to handle the stress of a workday was to simply have a few beers in order to relax.

            After supper my mother and stepfather would usually have a few more beers, or maybe mixed drinks, as we all watched television in the few hours before it would be time to go to bed.  They were not bad parents.  They didn’t end up getting drunk every night or beating me or my stepbrothers, although that is common in many families where alcohol abuse is a problem.  They were hard working parents who provided for their kids and let them know they were loved.  But the messages they were sending regarding alcohol were planting the seeds for how I would look at the use of alcohol later in my life.

            I can remember the many trips we made to a local lake where they took me and my stepbrothers to swim and learn to water ski.  They would pack an ice chest with fried chicken or lunchmeat and hot dogs for us to eat later, along with soft drinks for us and beer for them.  My stepfather would drink beer while driving to the lake, continue to drink beer while driving the boat around the lake, and drink beer on the way home.  What message did that send to we kids regarding drinking and driving? 

            I remember when I would spend weekends with my father.  He had a weekend lake cabin very near one his brother had.  Growing up my cousins and I watched as the adults drank beer all weekend.  Several neighbors would gather at one place sitting around an open fire, drinking and laughing.  The more they drank the louder and more frequent the laughter.  Their speech would become slurred as the night wore on, and we kids would laugh when one of them stumbled while getting up to go to the bathroom.  Often we  were their “beer runners”, getting them another beer from the refrigerator or ice chest when they were “getting low.”  The group would laugh as one by one the couples would “call it a night” and stagger back to their lake cabins.

The message that behavior sent to us kids was quite evident…if you want to have fun socializing with your friends, you simply drink a lot of beer or whiskey or vodka.  You laugh, tell stories and get funnier the more you drink.  Those messages of social acceptance and the way to have fun were reinforced in the television programs and movies we watched.  Marshall Dillon always got the bad guys on Gunsmoke and then went to the bar to see Miss Kitty and slam down a few shots of whiskey.  Festus was really funny when he got drunk.  And if we ever had any doubts if that was the way life really was, the countless beer commercials on TV and the billboard and magazine ads showing the guy with the pretty girl and a beer or drink in his hand certainly removed our doubts. 

                Is it any wonder that so many young people want to drink alcohol?  I started drinking beer at age 14.  I modeled much of my life based on what I saw growing up.  Robert saw me drink beer almost every day of his life.  He saw me drink and drive numerous times, all the while doing the parent thing of “Do as I say, not as I do.”  Did my habits and the examples I set influence Robert’s attitude toward alcohol?  Without question, I feel certain that they did.

Parents, if you see a piece of yourself in what I have described, please understand this:  Forget what you are telling your kids, because they aren’t listening to what you’re saying.  They’re watching what you’re doing.

                I do not mean to imply by that statement that you shouldn’t talk to your kids.  You can never spend too much time talking to your kids about things that affect their character, safety and well-being.  But understand that if the examples you set are not consistent with the messages you are trying to get your kids to accept, you most likely will not achieve the desired result.  The old saying “actions speak louder than words” is so very true.

Today’s generation of young people are not stupid.  They are smarter than most of us were when we were their age, because the school curriculum they are taught today is far more complex than what we were taught.  Young people today are under tremendous stress and pressure as they are being presented so much information to learn.  Many of them turn to alcohol or other drugs, (yes, alcohol is a drug), in an attempt to cope with that pressure.  How do your kids witness you handle stress?  What messages are you unintentionally sending them?

Just as I tell young people before I do a speaking presentation, I’m not here to judge you or criticize you.  God knows I’m in no position to criticize any parent, as witnessed by what I have written here.  But if what I say does apply to your situation, please learn from this family tragedy that I am sharing with you.

Unfortunately, there is no second chance as far as Robert’s life is concerned.  Despite God’s assurance that I should not beat myself up over mistakes of the past, realizing that I had no idea at the time how my actions were influencing Robert, they are nonetheless regrets that I will carry to my grave.  

UPDATE:  What you have just read was written years ago, shortly after Robert's death, when I created this web site.  At the time I mentioned very little about his brother Douglas.  As I have stated in the "Those Left Behind" section of this web site, my son Doug had a very hard time dealing with Robert's death.  Doug was a very shy and "private person" and I respected that, as well as his need to grieve in his own way, without a spotlight being cast upon him on this web site, elaborating on the difficulties he was going through while trying to grasp the reality that the big brother he idolized and loved so much was now gone from his life.  I loved both of my boys equally, and would have laid my life down for either of them.  The was no "favorite son" in my eyes.  They were both the two greatest blessings I ever received in my life.

But now Douglas shares the front page of this web site with his brother.  He never wanted to be on this web site, but he also doesn't want anyone to make the same choices he made that devastated so many lives.  Doug's story is told here with his permission.  It would be several years after his crash before he would open up and write a letter to young people for me to share in school presentations.  In that letter I learned just how deep his addictions ran, as well as the full scope of the alcohol addiction he was fighting his private battle with, even after having successfully beat his former addictions to cocaine and meth.  

And although Douglas will be the first to say "Dad, don't blame yourself for my choices.  I was an adult and made my poor choices on my own.", I still have to share some responsibility for the paths my sons followed in their lives.  As their father, it was my responsibility to give them a foundation to build their owns lives on, based on the examples I should have been setting for them.  As I look back at how alcohol use was a daily part of my life as they were growing up, I realize how miserably I failed both of my sons.    

Just as Douglas wishes he could "undo" the results of his past choices and actions, I likewise wish I could do the same thing in regard to my own past choices and actions, but neither of us can.  As a result of that fact, we both now live with regrets.  If one of our stories has caused you to realize your choices or actions might very well be setting you up for future regrets, I hope you will take whatever corrective action is needed, while you still have the opportunity to do so.  Don’t let your mind one day be filled with thoughts of “If only I had….”  

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