My New “Friends”

           I had no idea of the course my life was about to take as I placed a flower on Robert’s casket at his graveside service and said my final goodbye.

           The people who had been such a source of strength for me during those dark days immediately after Robert’s death and funeral soon went back to their own lives and responsibilities.  They were treasured friends who picked me up after I had been knocked to my knees by the tragic loss of my son.  Their love and emotional support offered during that time was a Godsend, for which I will be eternally grateful.  But it was time for them to return to their families, and for me to deal with the changes that had happened to my own family.

As I slowly came to terms with accepting Robert’s death, one of the first stages of grief, I realized that for the first time in my adult life I was facing a situation I had no idea how to deal with.  Everywhere I looked I saw Robert.  I tried several times to go into his bedroom, to try to feel his presence, but I would stop a few feet from his door and “lose it.”  I just wasn’t ready.  The reality set in that thousands of parents were dealing with the same unimaginable pain of having lost a son or daughter.  I couldn’t expect my family to have the answers to the emotional issues I was dealing with, as they too were in uncharted waters.  Besides, I felt I needed to appear “strong” for everyone’s sake...to show them that I was “OK” and handling this tragedy well, while all the while I was dying inside.  I knew I needed to talk to someone who had experienced the loss of a child, for it is beyond the imagination of those who have never suffered such a loss.  My search for other bereaved parents began on the Internet.

I typed the word “grief” in an Internet search engine and was overwhelmed with the search results.  I found “chat rooms” and clubs where bereaved parents share their experiences.  I also found some of the many memorial websites that were created for people, young and old, who have passed.  Some, like this website, were created for prevention efforts.  I soon found more bereaved parents than I could every possibly communicate with.  Some I have communicated with only by email, others by telephone, and a few I have actually met.  My circle of friends continues to grow.

One of my earliest connections was with a man named Tom Brockway in St. Paul, Minnesota.  I was drawn to Tom because our situations are so similar.  Tom lost his 16-year-old son, Kevin, in a one-vehicle crash.  Like Robert, Kevin made the decision to drive after drinking.  Like Robert, Kevin’s BAC (Blood Alcohol Concentration) was very high.  And like Robert, Kevin lost his life as a result of his decision, leaving behind a heartbroken family whose lives have been changed forever.

Tom and I also share the same mission of speaking to young people in schools, sharing the lives of our sons and the decisions they made that ultimately cost them their lives.  We share our son’s stories in hope that other young people will learn that there are consequences behind every decision they make.  When it comes to drinking and driving, the consequences are often fatal.

I hope you will visit Kevin’s website.  As you will read in the words written by Kevin’s dad, “When alcohol is used, good judgment is not possible.”  Tom and I and thousands of other families can attest to the truth of those words.  Tom and I hope to meet one another someday.  Meanwhile I look forward to the few times in the year we talk on the telephone.  Often we need to say nothing.  We know what the other is feeling.  We share a bond that neither of us ever imagined we would share with another father.

In the summer of 2001, while attending a conference on underage drinking prevention, I met a woman named Kathy.  She lost not one, but four of her children in a crash caused by a drunk driver.  Kathy volunteers in a Texas prison, presenting a prevention program to prisoners who are soon to be released. Kathy worked on a plea bargain for the man who killed her children.  She wanted part of his sentence to include joining her on stage at schools as she shares how drunk driving claimed the lives of her four children.  Her courage is a true inspiration to me.

Then there is Karl Harris.  Karl is a Deputy with the Meade County Sheriff ‘s Department in Meade, Kansas.  He also is a father who lost a nine-year-old son, Michael, in an alcohol related crash.  You will notice that I never refer to these wrecks as accidents.  Some accidents truly cannot be prevented.  EVERY alcohol related crash can be prevented.

Deputy Harris knows that arresting DWI offenders is only part of the solution to reducing the tragic toll that results from drunk driving.  He also speaks at schools sharing Michael’s story in his prevention efforts, and has created a prevention website named Drunk Hunter.

Are Tom, Kathy, Karl and myself heroes?  Of course not.  I know I can also speak for these new friends of mine in saying that none of us do what we now do for pity or praise.  We would gladly trade our present life situations for the ones we had when our children were alive.

What inspires us all is not only the memory of our children, but our resolve to make something positive result from our personal tragedies.  With the exception perhaps of Deputy Harris, I would venture to say that Tom and Kathy, like myself, never gave much thought to the issue of drunk driving…until it ripped our hearts out through the loss of our children.

We hope that not only will our efforts wake up some young people to the dangers of drinking and driving, but also wake up some adults who drive after drinking without ever considering the consequences that could result.  Many people carry that false sense of invincibility and “it only happens to other people” from their youth into their adult years.  Regretfully, I was one of those people.

PLEASE learn from the losses of our children.  Robert and Kevin died as a result of their own decisions to drink and drive.  Kathy’s children, and Michael, died through no fault of their own.  They simply were “at the wrong place at the wrong time” and crossed the path of a drunk driver.  The bottom line is they all lost their lives because someone made the conscious decision to drink and drive.  Drinking and driving is a deadly yet totally preventable crime.  Recognize it for what it is.

To the parents who read these words, PLEASE talk to your kids about drinking and driving, and not just when they first get their drivers license or on prom night.  Talk to them frequently.  Know who their friends are, for they are the ones who are influencing your children’s decisions.  If there is alcohol in your home I hope you will take the time to read the “A Father’s Regrets” section of this website.  

There are many other people who have become part of my “new group of friends.”  You will find some of them in other sections of this website.  Unfortunately my “circle of friends” continues to grow.  Although we are friendly in nature, we DO NOT want anymore new members.  The price of membership in our group is very high.  Take my word for it.

I, like many of those who knew me before Robert died, shake my head when I look at the direction my life has taken since those dark days in September 2000.  For over 30 years I drove after drinking alcohol and never gave it a second thought.  I endangered countless lives and could have easily ended up like Robert did.  I carried that false belief from my youth of "it won't happen to me...bad things only happen to other people" well into my adult years.  The reality of the often deadly consequences of drinking and driving hit me square in the face as I sat with a funeral director and discussed service arrangements for my son.

As I tell young people in schools when I begin a speaking presentation, if someone had told me a little over three years ago that I would be standing at a podium in a school speaking to a group of young people about the dangers of drinking and driving, I would have told them they were crazy.  But then again, if someone had told me then that I would be burying my firstborn son, I would have also told them they were crazy.

I realize I can't go back and undo the influences my own behavior had on my son, but I can share what I have learned with other parents, perhaps preventing them from making the same mistakes.  And although I now can't look into Robert's eyes and with a deep conviction warn him of the potential consequences of his decisions, I can look into the eyes of the many other "Roberts" out there, and share his story with them, hoping it is one they take to heart and never forget.  I owe that to Robert.

Forget the pity, forget the praise, but please don't forget Robert's Story and the lessons it holds.  These lessons came at a very high price. 

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